Friday, October 28, 2011

Always on my mind

Its never "Thank goodness I caught this early!"
Its always "Oh my God did I miss this last year?"

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Indulgences of a Hopeless Girl

Someday, in a coffee shop, you will lean over my shoulder and whisper
"My, what is that heavenly aroma drifting from the cup in your dainty hand my Love?" 
I will turn my head slightly, bat my eyes, smile and reply 
"Why, it's Earl Grey my Darling! Would you like to dance?" 
You will say, "Of course my Rose!" and we will twirl around the cafe together. 
We will move like silly happy children, 
using only the maps we see in each others eyes. 
And when you finally dip me, the cheering crown will be on their feet, 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Art. Or not.

So, last night was my first basic drawing class. I had been very
excited, gathering my supplies and buying a fancy
first-day-of-kindergarten pencil box. With butterflies in my stomach
I drove to BOCES with high hopes. Little did I know butterflies would
turn into a white hot rage...

Our teacher started out simple. "Ok class, we are going to do some
basic exercises. First thing I want you to do is draw an apple. Let's
do this for five minutes." As you can guess, I'm done with my apple in
thirty seconds. Why? Because I don't know how to draw an apple.
Because I'm in a BEGINNER drawing class.

My neighbor at the table, a middle aged woman with an artsy scarf and
fancy glasses, was furiously scribbling and shading away for all five
minutes. As her apple was a masterpiece that the teacher raved over, I
can only conclude she is a professional artist that signed up for the
class for a ego boost. I think some of that little ball of anger
started there.
Class continued. We were to draw a fish next, then a cat. Still, no
instruction. Then something you see driving to work every day, a hobby
you have, something you see in your kitchen. Each time she would tell
us to turn to a new page in our sketch books. This was too much for
me, not only were my drawings pedestrian at best, but she was making
me ruin these beautiful clean sheets of expensive paper! I rebelled.
This is how I ended up with a fish on the same page as a road sign and
my hobby of writing, and an apple juxtaposed with a egg in a frying
pan and a blueprint of my kitchen from above. The instructor was not

I came to my boiling point when she then audaciously asked us to draw
a picture of somewhere we are happy to be. As my Monetesque neighbor
started drawing a glorious beach scene with a beautiful wave, I began
furiously scribbling on my paper. Literally scribbling. I was seeing
red, out of control, my insides were seething. "I paid to be TAUGHT
how to draw!" I screamed in my head. The drawing turned out so bad
that I think the instructor might have gagged as she walked by. But,
the physical act of aggression I showed to that paper calmed me, and I
did draw a place that once make me very happy. Only my mother might
have a clue where it is, but it is such a terrible drawing I'm
skeptical she would even be able to venture a guess. Its terrible. Its
hilarious. See below.

Finally, fifteen minutes before class was over she accidentally taught
us how to draw a pear, and I think mine came out....ok. Better than
the apple. Also, we used these paper-pencil instruments that smudge
and blend. I think it gave my harsh lines a soft appearance and happy

I want one of the smudging tools for my life. Taking out those hard
edges, softening blows, blending everything into a mushy happiness.
I'm hoping we get to use colors next week! Until then...


Wednesday, September 14, 2011


I recently LOST a contest to win an ipod. By recently I mean yesterday, so I'm still freshly sore about it. The contest asked to describe your favorite hobby. The winner you ask? Her favorite hobby is reading. READING! Ugh. Well, I liked my attempt so here it is: 
My hobbies are many. I enjoy small motorcycle repair and large scale tactical battle planning. I have a one woman operetta featuring me singing all the lines of “A Christmas Story”‘ while tap dancing around a leg shaped lamp. I own a successful metal molding company specializing in toy soldiers and WW2 M1 Carbine rifles. Sometimes I skydive. Sometimes I dumpster dive. Usually I dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge. I have baked a 9 tier wedding cake with just a spork and a cast iron skillet.  I woo men with my natural musky sent and am considering starting a fragrance line called “Hardly Lucky”.  In the near future I am hoping to start speaking in tongues, get the fat lady to sing, and look the gift horse in the mouth.  Yes, these hobbies are impressive, but my favorite by far is making people smile. :)

Now there is nothing wrong with reading, but come on! That was funny! Maybe I should have said my favorite hobby is losing contests :P

(P.S. The biebster has already signed on to my fragrance line. I added this photo below of his reaction to "Hardly Lucky". He loves it!)